In Conclusion, I Stand

To me, this month was about over coming obstsacles. Physical and psychological obstacles. I have a problem with self consciousness and self confidence. I just don't think I can do things sometimes and I am afraid to do things that will make me feel like an idiot, even if everyone else is doing the same thing.

I've been learning to work past these obstacles, but it's not easy. I guess this is just one step in the staircase to self confidence. But enough philosophizing.

Has This Fellow No Feeling?

It’s funny to me that I never remember what happened on the nights that I liked the best. Like tonight. I remember parts of it, but I can’t recall the whole experience. It would be impossible. I don’t know how it all started, all I know is that I wasn’t feeling well and I felt bad for being the 4th person to tell Raymon that. But I seriously didn’t feel well. Also, it looked like some freaky obstacle course that I wasn’t up for. But it turned out to be one of the most wonderful classes I have ever taken part in.

At the end of class we dubbed it the gamut of emotions, and it really was.

I think we started out by walking around the objects in the room. Then we found one and explored the different ways of connecting with the object. I had a large box that I sat on and then sat around and then stood on.

Next I think I went to the table. I laid under it and then leaned on it. The table was a little awkward because it wasn’t very big and it sure as heck didn’t feel stable.

I don’t remember what happened next, but I remember walking and then the sensation of someone following me. That was not difficult for me to imagine because I have a paranoid personality and I always feel like someone is following me. But someone seriously was. I swear. Then I hid under a mat and for some reason I started giggling. Even though I knew the guy would catch me if I moved or made a sound. I couldn’t help. Plus I was out of breath and it was hard to not move conspicuously. Then I got hit and it was funnier still. I eventually was able to calm down but I was in a really awkward position and I really needed to move.

Next I hid behind a small box; that was no fun. Then I hid behind a bigger box but I couldn’t breathe in it. After I am not sure what happened.

The next thing I remember is sitting in a club and acting cool. I was cool. I wanted to dance so I was happy when my partner asked me to, I mean, I wasn’t going to make the first move, so not cool.

Then I remember looking for someone. Waiting for them. They didn’t come. I was mad. I am always the one on time and when people don’t come and give no reason for it, that’s totally inconsiderate.

But then I met them. And they accused me of cheating on them! WTF!? I would never cheat on anyone, ever. It’s disrespectful and they wouldn’t forgive me; they wouldn’t even look at me. I tried to apologize, but they just walked away. Fine. Screw them.

Consoling Johnny never happened. I like that we can deviate from the instructions of the class when the flow goes that way. Instead of consoling, we argued. And it was alright because that’s how we felt.

I remember swearing at everyone and yelling. It was good. Letting off steam is an exhilarating feeling. At first I was a little shy, but I got into it. I can get MAD. I’m a pretty angry person and anger is a very strong and dominant emotion for me.

So when we switched into laughter after, I wasn’t feeling it. Nothing was funny, so why should I laugh? Sure I smirked a little, but forced laughter is the worst. Sure I laughed when Rhea said that Raymon pooped his pants, but that’s because she couldn’t even finish her sentence! I guess I was sort of laughing at her (sorry Rhea!), not what she was trying to say.

Emotions for me are definitely strong. I am an emotional person, whether it is anger, sadness or joy. I am one who recalls past situations to help me with acting. I don’t remember when this was, but at one point we were supposed to be sad and cry. The fake criers made me angry because that’s just not real. I thought about my cousin and his funeral and about his family. That was and still is a hard thing for me to deal with.

I’m sure the sequence of these events is not what it should be. But that’s how I remember it in my mind, or I guess what came to me when I wrote this.

Thou Stand'st Single

Tonight we started with the same opening ritual, but this time we included the cat. Grr! I really don’t like the cat. Maybe it’s my lack of upper body strength combined with my desire to not want to look stupid. It’s a shell I can’t break out of. I have a constant need to impress people, which probably stems from my fear of people hating me. Anyway, enough of my impressive sounding psychobabble and onto class.

I don’t remember much of what we did, but I remember lining up along the wall with a partner on the other side of the wall. We ran up to them and sort of yelled in their face. We would start really low and rise up as we ran across to them. When we go to our partners we would have our arms up and out and they would hug us. Then we would shrink back and go back to our wall and they would do the same to us. We did this for a while.

Then we explored open vibration again. But this time it was super intense. We were all standing around in a group and then Raymon would point to people and everyone else would stop while they kept going. He said it was so we would get to hear our own vibration filling the room. I was scared. Being in choir and in a competitive musical program I felt the pressure to outdo everyone and sound the best. But that’s also the perfectionist in me. I was afraid people would tell me I sounded terrible or laugh at me. So every time Raymon would turn in my direction, I would start freaking out. It made it worse that I was one of the last ones because I was so scared the entire time.

But that’s how I act too. I get really nervous before the show starts and then when I say my first few lines I start to relax and get into it. Then I just get so comfortable it drives me crazy when I am not speaking and I get sad when the show is over. I guess I am just weird that way.

I just feel like I need to get sometime off my chest here. I am really sick of the people that come to like, half the classes and then come and don’t care. Or the people that come but don’t want to be there. You can tell by their lack of participation and effort. I feel like these people are bringing me down and that they don’t deserve to be in this class if they don’t want to learn.
[end rant]

So [sic]k I'm Not

Today we discussed the play we all saw, [sic]. I like plays I and I kind of understood this one, but when I get confused, I get confused!

I had no idea what the scene in the back was about. I couldn’t figure out what purpose it served. Sure it was moderately interesting and it allowed time for scene and costume changes, but that’s a terrible purpose. Even though we discussed the purpose of the couple up there, I still don’t get what it was about. The theory that they are to reinforce what is going on in the lives of the other three is the most plausible to me, but I don’t really believe it. It was just so weird.

I liked the play; don’t get me wrong, I just tend to focus on negatives because that’s who I am. I liked when the three main characters called the old woman by different names. It was funny the first two times, but by the end the joke just got old. It was like a gag that never ended. It reminded me of the Simpson’s episode when Bart becomes “The I Didn’t Do It Boy”. Everyone thought he was clever a hilarious but the clout he once had dissipates the more he says it.

I don’t really want to analyse the play, because I don’t want to take away from the meaning that others got from the play; although I could draw up a lot of analogies to daily life, and university life. But then again, what ISN’T a metaphor for life?

I really enjoyed the discussion of actor. What is an actor? Who is an actor? What makes an actor? It got me thinking about what I want out of acting. I would love to be famous and get paid the big bucks for acting, which would be awesome. But I don’t think I would be able to deal with the corruption and lack of values in Hollywood. I guess community theatre would be ok.

I didn’t really get the point of the video clip Raymon showed us, but I tend to miss the point of a lot of things.

He's Only an Animal

Today we did extensive work with the Cat and voice. We used the cat as a means to produce different sounds. For example, rotating the torso down would produce a different sound than going up. Pushing forward would have a different vibration than pushing back.

The next step was to get in the box position (with your hands and knees on the ground). We explored the sound and vibrations we could make in this position and we rested on one sound; moo.

Yes, that is correct. We spent the rest of the class on all fours mooing at each other. First we just mooed. Then we mooed with another person. We were to put our heads together and feel their vibration. I was with Diane. We didn’t so much feel the vibration, well, we did, but we didn’t concentrate on it. Rather we focused on what our voices were doing. We would both go and it would be a little rough but with slight adjustments, we reached this sound. I can’t even describe it. It was like our voices just found each other and became one. The way I see it, my voice was going down and Diane’s was intersecting it from an angle. It was just amazing. The sounds our voices can make. I mean, singers would probably be in shock as well as awe. Shock because they would probably assume we were wrecking our voices, and awe because of the sounds and projection we created. Intense.

The Cat Will Mew And Every Dog Will Have His Day

Today we learned the infamous ‘cat dance’. Rawr. The cat dance, or simply the cat, is one of the many parts in a centering exercise. It involves the participant bent over leaning on their hands and feet with their bum up in the air. The first step is to rotate the middle of the body, the hips and torso. Then we move the head in the opposite direction of the torso. Then, we make a “Wsshhh” sound and spring one hand back towards our face and raise the same side hand in the air. Then we do the same to the other side.

I did not (and do not) like the cat. It’s hard. I simply don’t have the upper body strength to do it. So it was a relief when the end came and it was an arm massage. Boy, was it weird, but good.

We got into partners and one laid down. The other would take one arm and shake it out and massage it and stretch it out. It was FANTASTIC.
I guess that’s all there is to say.

Silence Flouts Me

Tonight was a night of confusion for me. I don't really remember what happened at the beginning... we were in groups and we did some mirroring thing. Woo. Read my other post concerned with mirroring.

I tried really hard to be in the moment, and to experience things, but I was preoccupied with my new peircing. Yes, i know, a stupid reason, but I have reason to be. I direct you to http://jenatschool.greatestjournal.com/ to find out why.

I felt childish playing with the blanket. It reminded me of elementary school. I don't like feeling childish because I tried so hard to break the bonds of it and I don't want to go back.

But it was kind of fun. Well, more funny than fun. Even though we were told repeatedly not to talk and to do things silently.

Anway, we were asked to thing about ritual in our journals. Lets see, ritual... ritual.... What first pops into my mind is some remote tribe in Africa having some sort of healing ceremony or raindance. I guess a more technical definition would be a sort of series of rites or ceremonies. The thing about rituals is that they are consistant and changing all at the same time. Like acting.

Acting is a ritual because you do the same thing over and over and over again. But no matter what, something is always different, people bring different baggage with them each day to rehearsal or something goes wrong and you have to keep the ritual. Like in grade 10, we put on Big The Musical and halfway through one scene, the Skrim got stuck. Our actors had to improvise (another word we explored tonight) but keep doing the same thing. Get it? Oh well, I understand what I am saying.

The Conclusion is Then...

I could say a lot of things about this month of classes. Sound, experience and exploration come to mind, but there is more than that.

It seems that in every class, no matter what we do, there is something that I hate doing or something I refuse to do or something that makes me upset or unnerved. I can't help but be who I am. I've put so many walls up to block out things that hurt me because I've been hurt so many times. These walls don't allow for expansion and it's very difficult for me to change and grow as a person. I just don't know how to knock them down.

I feel as though this class is not about drama, it's not even a class. It's like a time to leave my reality and just experience something else.

My Heart's Deep Languor and My Soul's Sad Tears

Last night's drama class was sort of an all day event for me. I had a bad day; my bike was stolen and I wasn't feeling well. I wasn't in a very good mood. When I found out we were going outside, I almost left. I wasn't in the mood to go for a 50 mile walk like last time. But I stayed.

I was excited when Raymon said we would be causing a spectacle. That's pretty much one of my favorite things to do. The experience in the bowl was cool and to see all the people confused and wierded out was AWESOME.

The statue thing was cool, but I have this thing where really loud noises upset me... I always have.

From there we went to a little place between the library and a dorm (I think). It was beautiful, although I felt bad for the people in the dorm who were studying, because I was sure we would be disturbing them. Fortunately we didn't make very loud noises. I really don't like sitting on grass so I was a little unnerved when Raymon told us to lay down. But it was comfortable and relaxing.

Then the crappiness of the night began to kick in. Our next stop seemed like it was miles away from where we were and it seemed like everyone in front of me was running whilst I was walking. I felt terrible for the people behind me and I was ashamed that I couldn't keep up. This portion of the night was a blur of sadness and shame and I don't recall where we went. I remember going to the greenhouses ( I think that's what they were) and want to just run away. I once sprained the same ankle three times in a month, and I don't think it's ever fully recovered, and it was dying. I was so much pain, but I couldn't keep letting everyone down. So I would walk for a little while, then run, then walk then run, which probably did me in.

The sound exploration in the greenhouses was moderately interesting. The way it bounced and whatnot. I hoped that after this, we would just go back and be done, but no. We made our way to a wierd clearing behind some buildings and just kept going with the sound. And we wern't done yet.

We went to the agriculture building where Raymon told us this story about a woman killing herself when she jumped from the forth floor. I couldn't handle this. Once you know someone who commits suicide, things are never the same again. My own cousin, less than a year ago, joined the ranks of those who, in their hour of desperation, commited this taboo deed. It doesn't get any easier. I did not take part in the exercise, it was too upsetting. I was crying, and when class was over and I was walking home, I let it all out. I didn't care who was walking around me, I was bawling. Yesterday also happened to be the birthday of my friends beloved mom, who died of cancer about a year and a half ago. I walked and prayed, as if they could hear me again. I told them that, they were missed, even by those who never knew them that well. I asked Olee what he was thinking about before he pulled the trigger, what pushed him over that edge. I told Barb to be proud of her daughters, because they are wonderful people who miss her dearly.

When I got back to my dorm, I found a dark hill and just layed down and looked up. I prayed and thought about all those I knew who had died, and those I did not know. Like my grandfathers. I prayed and cried and just sat there. Although I was afraid Campus Security would come and think I was high or something.

I proceeded to go inside. I walked in my apartment and ignored my roomates greetings. I went to my room and layed on my bed and cried. I don't know how long I was crying for, but I eventually fell asleep.

So, as you can see, this class was a heart wrenching, soul searching and tear shedding class. It was a journey that I wasn't prepared for, and one that I am sure I will never be able to forget.