My Heart's Deep Languor and My Soul's Sad Tears

Last night's drama class was sort of an all day event for me. I had a bad day; my bike was stolen and I wasn't feeling well. I wasn't in a very good mood. When I found out we were going outside, I almost left. I wasn't in the mood to go for a 50 mile walk like last time. But I stayed.

I was excited when Raymon said we would be causing a spectacle. That's pretty much one of my favorite things to do. The experience in the bowl was cool and to see all the people confused and wierded out was AWESOME.

The statue thing was cool, but I have this thing where really loud noises upset me... I always have.

From there we went to a little place between the library and a dorm (I think). It was beautiful, although I felt bad for the people in the dorm who were studying, because I was sure we would be disturbing them. Fortunately we didn't make very loud noises. I really don't like sitting on grass so I was a little unnerved when Raymon told us to lay down. But it was comfortable and relaxing.

Then the crappiness of the night began to kick in. Our next stop seemed like it was miles away from where we were and it seemed like everyone in front of me was running whilst I was walking. I felt terrible for the people behind me and I was ashamed that I couldn't keep up. This portion of the night was a blur of sadness and shame and I don't recall where we went. I remember going to the greenhouses ( I think that's what they were) and want to just run away. I once sprained the same ankle three times in a month, and I don't think it's ever fully recovered, and it was dying. I was so much pain, but I couldn't keep letting everyone down. So I would walk for a little while, then run, then walk then run, which probably did me in.

The sound exploration in the greenhouses was moderately interesting. The way it bounced and whatnot. I hoped that after this, we would just go back and be done, but no. We made our way to a wierd clearing behind some buildings and just kept going with the sound. And we wern't done yet.

We went to the agriculture building where Raymon told us this story about a woman killing herself when she jumped from the forth floor. I couldn't handle this. Once you know someone who commits suicide, things are never the same again. My own cousin, less than a year ago, joined the ranks of those who, in their hour of desperation, commited this taboo deed. It doesn't get any easier. I did not take part in the exercise, it was too upsetting. I was crying, and when class was over and I was walking home, I let it all out. I didn't care who was walking around me, I was bawling. Yesterday also happened to be the birthday of my friends beloved mom, who died of cancer about a year and a half ago. I walked and prayed, as if they could hear me again. I told them that, they were missed, even by those who never knew them that well. I asked Olee what he was thinking about before he pulled the trigger, what pushed him over that edge. I told Barb to be proud of her daughters, because they are wonderful people who miss her dearly.

When I got back to my dorm, I found a dark hill and just layed down and looked up. I prayed and thought about all those I knew who had died, and those I did not know. Like my grandfathers. I prayed and cried and just sat there. Although I was afraid Campus Security would come and think I was high or something.

I proceeded to go inside. I walked in my apartment and ignored my roomates greetings. I went to my room and layed on my bed and cried. I don't know how long I was crying for, but I eventually fell asleep.

So, as you can see, this class was a heart wrenching, soul searching and tear shedding class. It was a journey that I wasn't prepared for, and one that I am sure I will never be able to forget.