Standing In the Shadows of the Actor I Am Not
Tonight was a bust. A disaster. A mistake. I don’t know why I showed up for class. Sure I had other things to do, like study for those mid terms and tests that are 2 days away. But nope, I went to class. Maybe out of some bizarre obligation.
All class I felt like I had missed a months worth of classes. I had no idea what was going on and I couldn’t figure it out for the life of me. And no matter what I did, I couldn’t get into it. Couldn’t get past the self consciousness, past the doubt, past the limitations. I couldn’t, and I really wasn’t willing.
Sure I pretended for a while, watched for a while. But soon I had to leave. So I did. I left class and sat in the hall. Just sat there. I came in when class was supposed to end, but it went much longer than it was supposed to.
I stayed for the extra session to try and figure things out, but it only confused me more. Not only did it confuse, it pissed me off. I was hoping for some extra instructions in what was happening around me tonight, but I got the same thing as in the class. I still didn’t know what I was doing and I started making things up and I wasn’t happy with what I was doing.
Everyone seemed to know what their thing was; how to do it, how to say. You know, the routine. I STILL HAD NO CLUE. Everyone got a turn individually to do things. So I did my little deal and I wasn’t to impressed and clearly Raymon wasn’t either because he started asking me to do things that I couldn’t do.
He kept talking about this point; this breaking point that I haven’t reached yet and that once I pass it, things will start to come. Where the fuck is this point!? I’m sorry, but I was screaming my face off and he still wasn’t satisfied. He told me I could go twice as loud. WHAT!? I’m as loud as I go. I just got over a cold and my throat was hurting and my diaphragm was about to explode. I don’t know how to get to this point. Will someone show me a map?
This entire night made me question everything. Everything from, why did I wear this to what’s the point in living to why did I ever think I could act. I am questioning my very passion. The one thing that has made me insane, but kept me sane at the same time. Why did I ever think I could act? My mind is telling me “you can’t be an actor. Look at you; you can’t even memorize a text of your choosing.” And I have no reason not to believe my own mind.
So I here I am; standing in the shadows of the actor I am not; the actor I will never be.
Tonight was a bust. A disaster. A mistake. I don’t know why I showed up for class. Sure I had other things to do, like study for those mid terms and tests that are 2 days away. But nope, I went to class. Maybe out of some bizarre obligation.
All class I felt like I had missed a months worth of classes. I had no idea what was going on and I couldn’t figure it out for the life of me. And no matter what I did, I couldn’t get into it. Couldn’t get past the self consciousness, past the doubt, past the limitations. I couldn’t, and I really wasn’t willing.
Sure I pretended for a while, watched for a while. But soon I had to leave. So I did. I left class and sat in the hall. Just sat there. I came in when class was supposed to end, but it went much longer than it was supposed to.
I stayed for the extra session to try and figure things out, but it only confused me more. Not only did it confuse, it pissed me off. I was hoping for some extra instructions in what was happening around me tonight, but I got the same thing as in the class. I still didn’t know what I was doing and I started making things up and I wasn’t happy with what I was doing.
Everyone seemed to know what their thing was; how to do it, how to say. You know, the routine. I STILL HAD NO CLUE. Everyone got a turn individually to do things. So I did my little deal and I wasn’t to impressed and clearly Raymon wasn’t either because he started asking me to do things that I couldn’t do.
He kept talking about this point; this breaking point that I haven’t reached yet and that once I pass it, things will start to come. Where the fuck is this point!? I’m sorry, but I was screaming my face off and he still wasn’t satisfied. He told me I could go twice as loud. WHAT!? I’m as loud as I go. I just got over a cold and my throat was hurting and my diaphragm was about to explode. I don’t know how to get to this point. Will someone show me a map?
This entire night made me question everything. Everything from, why did I wear this to what’s the point in living to why did I ever think I could act. I am questioning my very passion. The one thing that has made me insane, but kept me sane at the same time. Why did I ever think I could act? My mind is telling me “you can’t be an actor. Look at you; you can’t even memorize a text of your choosing.” And I have no reason not to believe my own mind.
So I here I am; standing in the shadows of the actor I am not; the actor I will never be.
posted by Jennifer at 11:15 PM
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